Fear: Real life

One time. a few years ago- I was out for a run in an adjacent neighborhood to where I lived at the time. This was during the day. I was just running along as I usually do and then I felt something hit me HARD in the back/side area of my body. It hurt but it was just shocking. this happened simultaneously as a car drove past me. At first I thought that the mirror hit me. I was slack jawed. I turned toward the affected side of my body a second after it happened and I had stopped in my tracks. and noticed it; On the ground- an egg was broken on the street right behind me. an egg had hit me and somehow bounced off and hit the ground. Realizing that I was just egged, while running in the middle of the day was more than mortifying. Its your worst fear multiplied by ten. As a bigger girl I was always afraid what people would think or even say out loud when they drove past me when I was out for a run. But to actually be egged. was so deprecating. I was afraid, scared, and wanted to burst out in tears immediately after I put together what had happened.

i was scared and all by myself when that happened. I remember thinking they'd be coming back. But now thinking about that experience I hardly remember that it happened to me. its faded and now its almost like a dream, or that it happened to someone else.

the point is - fear of something happening to me while running or doing anything else is a very real thing. It always had been.



I don't know if I'm an especially weak person but I do know that more often than not - in new situations ( and I'm tending to find myself in more and more of those lately) I am very afraid.

Being someone's mom, A new job, newer more challenging classes in college, the prospect of grad school, the possibility of traveling across the country to run a race. trying out to play on a semi professional sports team all frightens the pants off me.

but not doing it all because I'm afraid of what some person might think of me? let it stop me? that would be so much worse.

maybe I'm not smart enough, fast enough, or a good enough person.  but I would never ever know for sure, unless I tried. I think that's why I'm doing it.

there is something so beautiful about being scared. pushing it aside. and doing it anyway. Something about how its hard to breathe. How your legs can barley hold you, how your heart is racing.  That is what living is. knees knocking, cold sweating, shit your pants feeling. That's how to know for sure you're alive.

I don't like the no fear shirts (remember that, 90's kids?) or the fearless bracelets. Its a nice idea, but its not real. If you aren't doing what scares you, then what on earth are you doing?

We are so much more than our fears- I read once that Your largest fear carries your greatest growth. That we shouldn't just go through life but Grow through life.

 I also think that if we do it right, we wont run out of things to do that frighten us. I don't think its a one and done deal. I think we need to stop denying fear. its a real thing. let it happen and then do it anyway.

 (oh and to sum up the story at the beginning, after that happened I ran down to the pond, grabbed a pretty big rock and finished my run with it)

xoxo

-josie

A letter to my daughter

I have had the urge to write this letter for some time now.
To Adeline, from the minute you were born I could see so much potential in you.

I love both of my children equally, but I think there are a few things daughters ought to know.

I have felt the urge to write this ever since you were born. Hopefully, I'll always be here to talk to you about important things but if not - I just want this to stand as a record of thought. I'm going to include any thing relevant here that I can think of-

To my darling daughter, Adeline.

You are a beautiful creation of God.

You are strong, smart and able.

I hope you explore your talents and shoot for the stars in your endeavors someday.

You don't have to make all the mistakes yourself in life, it is possible to learn from others and save yourself the hardship.

There are more important things than popularity, all you need is a few good friends to be prosperous.

There is a difference between what you need and what you want.

School is so important, do the best you can in high school because college is so expensive.

If you love a boy- wait until you are 25 and your prefrontal cortex is fully developed before you get married. If you are right for each other- you'll still be there when that happens.

Please wait to have sex (seriously, its not something that every one is doing even if that's how it seems). We'll talk about this in depth later.

Always wipe from front to back. If you don't. you can get a UTI. If you have to pee, don't hold it- you can get an infection from that too.

Don't worry about what you'll want to do for work someday, it takes time to find your passion sometimes, it will come to you. you will have plenty of opportunity to explore it.  

with time, you'll learn your gifts and be able to apply them.

Don't worry about what your friends are doing, just do what you're doing.

You are unlimited in the things you can learn or be skilled in. Girls are scientists, girls are doctors, lawyers, engineers. What ever it is that you are passionate about- pursue it! 99 % of success is just showing up and working hard.

don't get a credit card, save your money instead.

It's a fact that the if the money from the average "first car purchase" was invested it was accrue nearly a million dollars by the time you'd reached age 65.

It's totally okay and normal to feel weird, awkward, different about your life and body sometimes. Even if you don't feel smart, beautiful, strong, radiant and capable(you are, by the way) at the moment, its something can be eased into. I think it might be just a transition over time. Appreciating yourself. you are all those wonderful things and have incredible potential.  

No matter what you do or where you go- your father and I will always love you. There is nothing you could ever do or say to undo that.

 

The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams. – Eleanor Roosevelt.

 

There came a time when the risk to remain tight in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom. – Anais Nin.

 

 When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, ‘I used everything you gave me’. – Erma Bombeck.