One time. a few years ago- I was out for a run in an adjacent neighborhood to
where I lived at the time. This was during the day. I was just running along as
I usually do and then I felt something hit me HARD in the back/side area of my
body. It hurt but it was just shocking. this happened simultaneously as a car
drove past me. At first I thought that the mirror hit me. I was slack jawed. I
turned toward the affected side of my body a second after it happened and I had
stopped in my tracks. and noticed it; On the ground- an egg was broken on the
street right behind me. an egg had hit me and somehow bounced off and hit the
ground. Realizing that I was just egged, while running in the middle of the day
was more than mortifying. Its your worst fear multiplied by ten. As a bigger
girl I was always afraid what people would think or even say out loud when they
drove past me when I was out for a run. But to actually be egged. was so
deprecating. I was afraid, scared, and wanted to burst out in tears immediately
after I put together what had happened.
i was scared and all by myself when that happened. I remember thinking they'd be coming back. But now thinking about that experience I hardly remember
that it happened to me. its faded and now its almost like a dream, or that it
happened to someone else.
the point is - fear of something happening to me while running or doing
anything else is a very real thing. It always had been.
I don't know if I'm an especially weak person but I do know that more often
than not - in new situations ( and I'm tending to find myself in more and more
of those lately) I am very afraid.
Being someone's mom, A new job, newer more challenging classes in college,
the prospect of grad school, the possibility of traveling across the country to
run a race. trying out to play on a semi professional sports team all frightens
the pants off me.
but not doing it all because I'm afraid of what some person might think of
me? let it stop me? that would be so much worse.
maybe I'm not smart enough, fast enough, or a good enough
person. but I would never ever know for sure, unless I tried. I think that's
why I'm doing it.
there is something so beautiful about being scared. pushing it aside. and
doing it anyway. Something about how its hard to breathe. How your legs can
barley hold you, how your heart is racing. That is what living is. knees
knocking, cold sweating, shit your pants feeling. That's how to know for sure
you're alive.
I don't like the no fear shirts (remember that, 90's kids?) or the fearless
bracelets. Its a nice idea, but its not real. If you aren't doing what scares
you, then what on earth are you doing?
We are so much more than our fears- I read once that Your largest fear
carries your greatest growth. That we shouldn't just go through life but Grow
through life.
I also think that if we do it right, we wont run out of things to do that
frighten us. I don't think its a one and done deal. I think we need to stop
denying fear. its a real thing. let it happen and then do it anyway.
(oh and to sum up the story at the beginning, after that happened I ran down
to the pond, grabbed a pretty big rock and finished my run with it)
xoxo
-josie
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