Fear: Real life

One time. a few years ago- I was out for a run in an adjacent neighborhood to where I lived at the time. This was during the day. I was just running along as I usually do and then I felt something hit me HARD in the back/side area of my body. It hurt but it was just shocking. this happened simultaneously as a car drove past me. At first I thought that the mirror hit me. I was slack jawed. I turned toward the affected side of my body a second after it happened and I had stopped in my tracks. and noticed it; On the ground- an egg was broken on the street right behind me. an egg had hit me and somehow bounced off and hit the ground. Realizing that I was just egged, while running in the middle of the day was more than mortifying. Its your worst fear multiplied by ten. As a bigger girl I was always afraid what people would think or even say out loud when they drove past me when I was out for a run. But to actually be egged. was so deprecating. I was afraid, scared, and wanted to burst out in tears immediately after I put together what had happened.

i was scared and all by myself when that happened. I remember thinking they'd be coming back. But now thinking about that experience I hardly remember that it happened to me. its faded and now its almost like a dream, or that it happened to someone else.

the point is - fear of something happening to me while running or doing anything else is a very real thing. It always had been.



I don't know if I'm an especially weak person but I do know that more often than not - in new situations ( and I'm tending to find myself in more and more of those lately) I am very afraid.

Being someone's mom, A new job, newer more challenging classes in college, the prospect of grad school, the possibility of traveling across the country to run a race. trying out to play on a semi professional sports team all frightens the pants off me.

but not doing it all because I'm afraid of what some person might think of me? let it stop me? that would be so much worse.

maybe I'm not smart enough, fast enough, or a good enough person.  but I would never ever know for sure, unless I tried. I think that's why I'm doing it.

there is something so beautiful about being scared. pushing it aside. and doing it anyway. Something about how its hard to breathe. How your legs can barley hold you, how your heart is racing.  That is what living is. knees knocking, cold sweating, shit your pants feeling. That's how to know for sure you're alive.

I don't like the no fear shirts (remember that, 90's kids?) or the fearless bracelets. Its a nice idea, but its not real. If you aren't doing what scares you, then what on earth are you doing?

We are so much more than our fears- I read once that Your largest fear carries your greatest growth. That we shouldn't just go through life but Grow through life.

 I also think that if we do it right, we wont run out of things to do that frighten us. I don't think its a one and done deal. I think we need to stop denying fear. its a real thing. let it happen and then do it anyway.

 (oh and to sum up the story at the beginning, after that happened I ran down to the pond, grabbed a pretty big rock and finished my run with it)

xoxo

-josie

A letter to my daughter

I have had the urge to write this letter for some time now.
To Adeline, from the minute you were born I could see so much potential in you.

I love both of my children equally, but I think there are a few things daughters ought to know.

I have felt the urge to write this ever since you were born. Hopefully, I'll always be here to talk to you about important things but if not - I just want this to stand as a record of thought. I'm going to include any thing relevant here that I can think of-

To my darling daughter, Adeline.

You are a beautiful creation of God.

You are strong, smart and able.

I hope you explore your talents and shoot for the stars in your endeavors someday.

You don't have to make all the mistakes yourself in life, it is possible to learn from others and save yourself the hardship.

There are more important things than popularity, all you need is a few good friends to be prosperous.

There is a difference between what you need and what you want.

School is so important, do the best you can in high school because college is so expensive.

If you love a boy- wait until you are 25 and your prefrontal cortex is fully developed before you get married. If you are right for each other- you'll still be there when that happens.

Please wait to have sex (seriously, its not something that every one is doing even if that's how it seems). We'll talk about this in depth later.

Always wipe from front to back. If you don't. you can get a UTI. If you have to pee, don't hold it- you can get an infection from that too.

Don't worry about what you'll want to do for work someday, it takes time to find your passion sometimes, it will come to you. you will have plenty of opportunity to explore it.  

with time, you'll learn your gifts and be able to apply them.

Don't worry about what your friends are doing, just do what you're doing.

You are unlimited in the things you can learn or be skilled in. Girls are scientists, girls are doctors, lawyers, engineers. What ever it is that you are passionate about- pursue it! 99 % of success is just showing up and working hard.

don't get a credit card, save your money instead.

It's a fact that the if the money from the average "first car purchase" was invested it was accrue nearly a million dollars by the time you'd reached age 65.

It's totally okay and normal to feel weird, awkward, different about your life and body sometimes. Even if you don't feel smart, beautiful, strong, radiant and capable(you are, by the way) at the moment, its something can be eased into. I think it might be just a transition over time. Appreciating yourself. you are all those wonderful things and have incredible potential.  

No matter what you do or where you go- your father and I will always love you. There is nothing you could ever do or say to undo that.

 

The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams. – Eleanor Roosevelt.

 

There came a time when the risk to remain tight in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom. – Anais Nin.

 

 When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, ‘I used everything you gave me’. – Erma Bombeck.

 



life without a cellphone

For the past few days I quit using my cellphone. I'm still keeping it around because I can call 911 in case of emergency without it being tied to any carrier or service.

I gotta tell you, I love it. There is something so awesome about being a little less accessible in a world of instant gratification. I'm digging it and feel more at peace every day. :)

I keep a little moleskin book in my bag where my phone used to be where I can do a little writing when I want to. Everyday a little more. Its just a good time. I think I'll get a home phone when I get paid. a cheap 30 bucks a year deal.

I'm done with the debt culture. I'm not a fan. :)

-Josie

tattoos

Let's talk about em.

If they aren't on your body they aren't your business and probably have little or nothing to do with you.

That is all.
You are clear to continue to move about the cabin.

Love, and deep warm regards,
Josie

theothersiderun

The darkness creeps over the sky and I leave it all behind
Out into the night I go. Invisible except when illuminated by the street lamps.
The music I listen to is the music of the night. My feet silently swooping in for a landing and then a hushed
Thwap, thwap, as it takes off again. Over and over.
My rushed inhales and exhalations. Keeping time with my feet.  Frogs chirping away in their triangle fenced in ponds
My bones are swift and sleek and strong I know deep inside my body how smooth I am going.
The bones in my foot attach to the pavement and guide my body through my motion.
The outside of my body ripples and reverberates with each connect and disconnect from the earth.
I turn a corner, how good it is to be out here in the dark. I smell a clean laundry smell wafting out of people’s homes.
Soon, the lilacs will bloom and the night air will be thick and sweet.
If only everyone could know this peace. This feeling. I know I’m not a bird or a deer or gazelle but when I’m out in the night,
I am.
I fly like a bird, no one can see me and no one is watching but I do, I can go so silent. I can swoop so quiet with my feet going fast and silent, like an owl.
I can bound, I can push powerfully up a hill. I  am a wild animal in the night.
How good to be out. The happiness I feel in my everyday life is reflected and magnified as I run around my home and then finally, turning and going back to it. Welcoming it back. Thankful it waited for me there. I change back into a human on the front step and I am happy for this night. I welcome the miles I may go until I sleep.

Muffins for that face

I was thinking about muffins yesterday.

They're basically a little capsule of delicious items baked into a hand holdable portable food product.
First off- health wise.. almost all muffins can be hellish little crap foods land mines.

But I'm a revolutionary and I wanted to change all that. so I did. and now I'm going to share that with you.

What is a muffin made of? the breakdown - its pretty easy/basic

Fat: butter or oil in most cases. it store bought muffins ( averaging in the 650 empty calorie range) this is usually where the  cheap hydrogenated trans fat area is at.
Needed because: makes the muffin nummy and moist, just how you like it Mrs. Hines.

Dry ingredients: like flours provide structure for the muffin - in store bought or boxed muffins this is where the enriched white flour comes in. no fiber, no nutrients.

Leavening: usually in the form of baking soda or power, makes the muffin rise all fluffy and nice - like.

Goodies: you know what I'm talking about - the good stuff. this is what makes the muffin come alive. fruit, nuts, spices. anything that your little heart can dream up goes in here. Caution: many store bought mixes and muffins use artificially colored fruit pieces or artificial flavors in here.

Now - Here's what I did. I swapped out a few things to make some vegan muffins that will melt your face off. and ill even include a picture, the recipe and the caloric and macro nutrient breakdown. THAT is what we in the business call, a "win".
I hope your ready.

I replaced the fat in the recipe with a whole, ripe avocado and a very ripe mashed banana. - When these are very ripe they are nice and sweet on their own so I only needed to add 1/2 c of sugar. I added 1 TBSP olive oil just for good measure, 1 TBSP lemon juice and the zest of one small lemon and 1/4 cup almond milk to round out the wet ingredients. For the dry ingredients I used 1 1/2 C whole wheat flour ( fiber and protein) - but you could sub any other flour you like. oat, barley, ect. 1 t baking powder, 1 t baking soda & 1/2 t salt.
for the goodies I cleaned out my fridge and pantry I used to great success: 1/4 cup roasted pecans, 1/2 Cup dried unsweetened cranberries and 1/4 cup roasted milled flax seed.

Mix the wet with the dry. then add in the goodies. Keep an eye on it if you find it a bit too dry add some more milk. a little too wet add  little flour. Bake in a coconut oil sprayed muffin tin - makes 12 perfect muffins that pop right out. 400 degrees for about 20 minutes until they bounce back when you tap the tops and they begin to turn golden brown.

1 Ripe avocaodo mashed
1 ripe banana - mashed
1 TBSP olive oil
1/2 c sugar
1 tbs lemon juice and lemon zest
1/4 c almond milk
---
1 1/2 c wheat flour
1 tsp baking soda
1 tsp baking power
1/2 tsp salt
----
1/4 c pecans
1/2 c dried cranberries
1/4 cup crushed flax seed

bake at 400 degrees F for 20 minutes.
don't let your husband eat them all at once.
they are awesome!

Calorie count per muffin:
119

5 grams of fat - only one g is saturated
NO cholesterol.
19 grams of carbs.

  PEACE! <3 Josie

Santa: what I want for Christmas.

I was going pee the other day and someone hung up a white board in the ladies room that was a cute little Santa and list that a person could write what she wanted in marker on the open lines. Cute idea. On the list many different women wrote: Diamonds! Coffee! Money! New car! ect.. the list goes on. I took the marker, and wrote "More for the less fortunate" and left ( I washed my hands too, don't worry guys).

My husband and I aren't getting each other presents and I hope we never do.(I might write him a poem or something) It seems a waste of money and extra stress around the holidays isn't something I'm ready to sign off on yet. We do so much for each other the rest of the year, Christmas is more like a break than anything else. More than anything for myself I want/wish that actual important things were done on Christmas. Please leave the lead filled dollar store toys at the store, don't bring them here. More importantly its hard to ignore as I get older the common gift wrapped garbage people give each other year in and year out. It's nice to give but to what limit? I understand finding a perfect gift, something that someone needs is ideal but when it becomes something just to be something to give I find it ridiculous. A waste of time and money. There are people severely in need of what I would throw away. I wish that people would just think before they recklessly buy and buy and consume and stomp people to death on black friday for more material crap. I like doing things for others but I think that Christmas is terribly overdone. Think about whats more important than that stupid thing you were going to buy. Maybe its that local kids have warm clothes, enough blankets, or proper school supplies. How about the people and families that will be hungry all year, not just on Christmas. Instead of obsessing over a certain thing you absolutely must have could you donate that time or money and make someones day better? someone who's not you? I'm just saying - think about it. Its sickening that we as Americans actually go into debt over the holidays trying to cover all the holiday expenses that aren't even necessary. less is more - think about it.

Thanks stupid little bathroom sign. you made me go on a schpeel. I'm sure there will be more to follow.
peace <3 Josie