Fear: Real life

One time. a few years ago- I was out for a run in an adjacent neighborhood to where I lived at the time. This was during the day. I was just running along as I usually do and then I felt something hit me HARD in the back/side area of my body. It hurt but it was just shocking. this happened simultaneously as a car drove past me. At first I thought that the mirror hit me. I was slack jawed. I turned toward the affected side of my body a second after it happened and I had stopped in my tracks. and noticed it; On the ground- an egg was broken on the street right behind me. an egg had hit me and somehow bounced off and hit the ground. Realizing that I was just egged, while running in the middle of the day was more than mortifying. Its your worst fear multiplied by ten. As a bigger girl I was always afraid what people would think or even say out loud when they drove past me when I was out for a run. But to actually be egged. was so deprecating. I was afraid, scared, and wanted to burst out in tears immediately after I put together what had happened.

i was scared and all by myself when that happened. I remember thinking they'd be coming back. But now thinking about that experience I hardly remember that it happened to me. its faded and now its almost like a dream, or that it happened to someone else.

the point is - fear of something happening to me while running or doing anything else is a very real thing. It always had been.



I don't know if I'm an especially weak person but I do know that more often than not - in new situations ( and I'm tending to find myself in more and more of those lately) I am very afraid.

Being someone's mom, A new job, newer more challenging classes in college, the prospect of grad school, the possibility of traveling across the country to run a race. trying out to play on a semi professional sports team all frightens the pants off me.

but not doing it all because I'm afraid of what some person might think of me? let it stop me? that would be so much worse.

maybe I'm not smart enough, fast enough, or a good enough person.  but I would never ever know for sure, unless I tried. I think that's why I'm doing it.

there is something so beautiful about being scared. pushing it aside. and doing it anyway. Something about how its hard to breathe. How your legs can barley hold you, how your heart is racing.  That is what living is. knees knocking, cold sweating, shit your pants feeling. That's how to know for sure you're alive.

I don't like the no fear shirts (remember that, 90's kids?) or the fearless bracelets. Its a nice idea, but its not real. If you aren't doing what scares you, then what on earth are you doing?

We are so much more than our fears- I read once that Your largest fear carries your greatest growth. That we shouldn't just go through life but Grow through life.

 I also think that if we do it right, we wont run out of things to do that frighten us. I don't think its a one and done deal. I think we need to stop denying fear. its a real thing. let it happen and then do it anyway.

 (oh and to sum up the story at the beginning, after that happened I ran down to the pond, grabbed a pretty big rock and finished my run with it)

xoxo

-josie